| 12/22 season |
being happy enough and organizing the end of another semester of school, which extends beyond - overlaps, invades, obstructs - this small slice of christmas, all keeps a fellow's feet on the floor, his wheels on the pavement, his mind in a whirl. the trick is not to think but to do. we know why christmas is for kids. and the kids are off now having it. some adults have things to do. this one's got to finish quarter grades, ignore semester exam essays until after the feast, wrap up a few modest bundles, hit the road. the trick is not to think but to do. just back from dropping dom at the airport. he'd been worrying about this flight for weeks, wondering if he'd call it off. just do. and let god/fate/mystery/love handle the rest. easy for me to say. i know a little about being afraid, but not enough. we have this tradition of buying stuff for each other and of (some of us) worrying that the stuff we buy is not the right stuff. of course it's just stuff and doesn't get to the heart of what we mean. still, it's not a bad tradition - though it could use some fine-tuning. it would help if we lived closer to each other, knowing a little more about us. isn't that the sad thing - that uncertainty - knowing that you don't know someone else ..... enough ..... that you should know someone else better ..... but you don't. then, of course, there's forgetting someone who should not be forgotten because this person has loved you in his or her own way. the stress of the season resides - for at least one person - in having to face facts without tumbling into a pit of despair: you haven't been selfless enough, present enough, attentive enough, caring enough. no single gift can atone for that. the heart of what we mean is the mystery of life and love we share. it would have helped if you'd also been born in a stable. to have nothing to give beyond the work of your own hands, the expense of your own time, the bounty of your own soul ..... would be a great good thing. well, this is probably all you get of this journal until after christmas. sorry to be so sober. if you are one of my three or four regular readers, you'll understand that i'd be less interesting without my regrets (credit that black irish portion of my soul). every celebration has its shadows, but i see also that over time while the light gets no brighter it does in fact get warmer and richer. the trick is not to think but to do. and now it's time to do christmas, so..... whether you are one of those precious regulars or you just stumbled in, please know that i'm wishing you the best of all possible seasons huddled in the arms of a life made beautiful by god ..... who knows enough. |
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