one good way to pass time on the last day of the year might be to visit your local hospital's emergency room. it's especially fine if you don't really have any particular emergency - no broken bones or bleeding arteries, no internal aches or icks, no chest pain, no fainting, no shortness of breath. the best trips to the hospital are the ones where they hook you up and suck your blood and give you a very detailed description of just how excellently normal your body is .

and then they send you home with an understanding smile ("no, you are not totally insane - just mildly neurotic ... thank you for occupying a curtained cubicle all afternoon that might have been used for SOMEONE WHO WAS ACTUALLY SICK") and a prescription for a "very mild" tranquilizer.

the only thing that keeps me from crawling under my bed in abject humiliation and embarassment (aside from all the catfuzz down there) is the fact that I SAW IT. what did i see?

i saw the thing that brought me to the emergency room - no, not my wintery white pontiac. i saw the the lines in the monitor - my heartbeat. and when they plugged me in and i recognized the all-too-perfect, strong and steady heartbeat and blood oxygen up around 98%, i began to brace myself for an episode of hypochondriacal shame and self-abuse for being such a ninny - again.

then first i felt it. and then - craning my head around - i saw it. it looked something like this

not a very accurate drawing, but you can get the idea. my thumper comes right after the third tall spike. it looked more dramatic on the monitor. and it feels fairly dramatic also - i've had three of them just typing this last sentence. but it wasn't until i saw it that i had some proof and others had some proof. i wanted to jump up and drag in everyone - doctors nurses orderlies patients and hapless passersby - "look look look i'm not crazy i've got A THINGY it's right there on the monitor in beautiful orange and black."

yes, i was excited - and i could prove it, too, as my pulse rocketed from 60 to 85 in beautiful orange and black.

o precious abnormality o blessed thump

i feel you thumpadump and i see
you i feel you thumpadump AND
i see you i feel you thump and i see you thumpadump
i see you

the doctor called it a p.a.c. - then simplified by saying it's an extra beat. it can be caused by a number of things - just about all of which, save one, he ruled out via ekg and blood work.

speaking of ekg - due to my prodigiously hairy chest (yes, it is true), ekg lead attachment has always posed a problem. in the past they used these whimpy suction cups that would always fall off if you breathed. this has been resolved by some kind of space-age superadhesive whose removal is a true test of macho will power. you just grab em and rip away.

etiology. causes. so he ruled out all but one. the one he didn't rule out: stress. so there. stress. what? me worry?

He had had much experience of physicians, and said, "the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not."

Mark Twain