so i say something to a person i don't know well at all (a wrong thing to say...not at all an argument...but a misstep, bad judgement) and i immediately regret it...no...i feel a tiny twinge...but...

...the regret is delayed...i come home, relax, watch a little tv, chat with a pal, retire to my chambers, read a bit, and drift off to a peaceful sleep. i wake to a bright day. birds sing. cat purrs...and a thought, a memory, rises like a bubble of indigestion. did i really say that? let's remember it again...and i do...and again and once more, twice again. with each repetition the offense comes into clearer focus. i say to myself, if i were that person i would have been put off, offended, angry. how could i have been so stupid, so insensitive, so inappropriate...all at the worst possible moment...what a dumbass...a master of lousy timing...what a jerk. i am a worm. nothing can be taken back or mended. i belong in a deep dark hole...i'll start digging now. seriously.

i know - or would like to think - that everyone has had (or will have) this kind of experience. but that doesn't make me feel any better. i know...i'm too sensitive...it's a taste of our fallen nature...we don't get things right too often, do we? then...at prayer this morning...i read

A pure heart create for me, O God
put a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from your presence,
nor deprive me of your holy spirit.

and then

Look upon our contrite heart and afflicted spirit and heal our troubled conscience, so that in the joy and strength of the Holy Spirit we may proclaim your praise and....

and finally

Christ, Rising Sun, warm us with your rays,
--and restrain us from every evil impulse.
Keep guard over our thoughts, words and actions,
--and make us pleasing in your sight this day.
Turn your gaze from our sinfulness,
--and cleanse us from our iniquities.

and in some odd way this works for me. i still feel real bad...but i feel a little less like hurting myself...am a bit more able to shake it off - as the athletes say.

apologies for tossing so much religion at you so early. it's only 8:22 a.m. and the sun is a rich bright blossom of light for the first time all week...

...and that means i've got a full day coming at me...i hope yours will be a good one.