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11/30
fool August
2001 |
now i bet you've given up the way we all do when someone or something goes away for a while - given up coming here looking wondering - and gone back to your other routines without this one - just accepting that this will not be a part of your regular experience any more. and that's ok. but here it is again. it will be different in some ways maybe. i took two months off to see what it was like. it was not bad. i thought it would free up more time to do other things such as reading student papers, planning classes, reading the necessary books. but i was fooling myself. i took two months off because i was tired. and now two months later sitting here bent over the next word i'm still tired - for all of the usual reasons and some not so usual i suppose. at 51 it's clear that i'm not 16, 17, or 18 (the predominant ages of the people with whom i work). i'm also not 25 or 30 or 40, but i fondly remember them. like you i am at the mercy of a ticking clock that has no mercy. still i feel 16, 17, or 18 - not in youthful energy or gumption but in that stew of self self self of which this journal is the pot. at 51 i am not wise enough, brave enough, smart enough, holy enough, or - and this one hurts most - kind enough to teach anyone anything. i know this. but i lack the nerve to show it to you on a regular basis. so i will continue to wear the mask of the wise enough, brave enough, smart enough, holy enough and kind enough brtom. i will write about some of my daily business. and i will start with today... |
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