| 1/1 loopy |
not happily willing but willing nonetheless to follow doctor's and mother's orders, i've been taking this little white pill "for anxiety attacks and panic disorders," but that's not what i have, is it? i'm not anxious and i'm not panicky. i've just got an anomalous thumpadump in my heart. doctor said stress. he didn't say anxiety and panic. somebody who has to fly on a commercial plane these days - somebody waiting for her first root canal - somebody scared of heights who's got to drive across some very large bridge - somebody hiding in a cave in afghanistan - these are folks with anxiety and panic. me? hell, no. now that quarter grades are done, i've just got to finish the semester exams, insert grades, organize a reading list for this committee, ponder the start of a new semester. this is not life-threatening, panic-producing material. it's just work ... a work i mostly love. and stress. we've all got it. the doc says it's a subconscious thing. sneaks up from behind. so this little white pill must be taken every six hours. the first one had no noticeable effect. i popped the second just before sleep last night. when my alarm went off at 5:30 a.m. i had some trouble getting up to pop the third and fall back into bed for another four hours. it was the fourth that stole my day away. loopy. i'm loopy. can't hardly read without dozing. can barely write this thing here. i even sat for a full half hour just now staring at the hollywood squares, knowing and caring that it was stupid stupid stupid - not funny at all - but not having the will to get up and leave the room. this little white pill makes a zombie of me. tomorrow i'm supposed to go see another doctor but i don't have an appointment - or a doctor, for that matter. and who knows what these little white pills will be doing by then. driving may not be an option. all of this sucks. don't worry. stay healthy. don't worry. be happy. and the thumpadumps? i've still got them. i just don't care. |
 |
|