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the other day i visited this
journal's archives and found that
many of my older entries were not available because some moron
had not correctly linked to them from the month pages. well,
never mind all of that. most of the problems are now fixed, i
think. but i couldn't help looking into some of that old stuff.
boyo, he was an ambitious bugger
back then: twenty-three entries apiece for the first two months
- july/august 99 - twenty-one for that september... but down
to eleven by december. the following july finds only 9. then
july 01 and 02 six each. a predictable downward spiral as the
novelty wears off (even took a big break last fall). and, of
course, you only found three entries last month.
this journal was born at a wild
moment back in the summer of 99. i'd just been booted out of
joliet and cast into the strange new world of mundelein. i was
feeling sorry for myself, sure, but i was also kind of intrigued
by the possibilities of this new place. there were all of these
discoveries to make. it was a time of personal and professional
upheaval that just happened to coincide with the beginnings of
my so-called life on the web.
i had known nothing about online
journals until i stumbled onto steve b.'s misanthrope.org.
at the time, he had a list of online journals that were organized
according to the high school graduation years of their authors.
since i had just posted my own actual journal
from my senior year, i submitted it and he listed it. but
it was an odd bird there - real history, as opposed to the current
events of the other journals, which i read around in. these got
me to wondering if i dared to try it myself.... and then the
storm broke..... and i needed an outlet.... and a way to stay
in touch with some folks back in joliet and elsewhere... so this
journal came to be - titled, just like my cat, generically, to
mark my intention to follow an ordinary path and avoid the spectacular
melodrama as much as possible.
one friend was puzzled about
why i would care to put myself out here, given my generally introverted
personal style. he worried that i'd say too much, reveal not
only my own secrets (such as they are) but things about other
people's lives that shouldn't be said. well, time has shown that
i've never really been tempted to let it all hang out here...
though i have engaged in substantial self-censorship on some
matters. that's everyday real-life, too, isn't it? aren't we
constantly selecting what to show and what to conceal? one online
correspondent scolded me on this point, felt i was being duplicitous,
a phony, and stopped reading. but this was my quandry: i'm a
high school teacher. there are many significant events (tempting
to write about) that occur every day that i just cannot describe
here because they involve confidences and that brand of relationships
we call politics (what do i REALLY feel about this that or the
other adminstrator or policy? you'll never know). and, i suppose,
plain old good manners dictate that we all keep a lot of stuff
to ourselves. that is perhaps a function of my age.
if not for this journal i would
never have known jacqui
or allie. and
erin and amy
would have faded away. if not for this journal, my own best of
all possible moms would have a much higher phone bill.... and
a small but precious bunch of former students, now friends, would
have to resign themselves to knowing me only in the distorted
golden cracks of memory.
so i don't regret this journal...
moderately embarassing as some past (and future) posts might
be. it can't be all things to everyone... or even to me, but
it is a good enough thing. and i'm content to let it stumble
on for as long as it likes. still, if yr not my mother, i don't
know why you bother coming here... but i'm happy enough that
you do. whoever you are.
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