one of our students, marshall khayat, died over the weekend in an accident. everyone is very sad... many are much more than sad... it's not fair...

sure, every living creature is liable to die at any time... from any number of known or unknown causes... those are the rules, we know... and we understand in a general way that this is how it works... but when it comes to this one person at this very moment... we just don't get it... something much bigger than us and our plans taps us on the shoulder... or kicks us in the butt...

the life is what counts... i never taught marshall or knew him before maybe six weeks ago when dom recruited him and another kid to help move some stuff... i knew enough to see that he was a bright, friendly spirit... another of our many positive kids with unlimited potential... so, it's not fair...

and i'm confused when people say "it's god's will"... because, understood one way, it makes god sound like somebody i don't care to know... and yet, understood another way, it points to our limits... our small understanding of what it means to be alive... it points to big mystery... it's god asking job...

Have you entered into the sources of the sea,
or walked about in the depths of the abyss?
Have the gates of death been shown to you,
or have you seen the gates of darkness?
Have you comprehended the breadth of the earth?
Tell me if you know all:
Which is the way to the dwelling place of light,
and where is the abode of darkness,
That you may take them to their boundaries
and set them on their homeward paths?

know your limits...

this passage from a chris crutcher story has always made sense to me... louie banks' girlfriend has died in an accident... he's made a big scene at the funeral... "screaming at the big-city preacher who didn't even know her, cursing God himself..." soon after this he's talking to dakota, his boss and friend...

"... I gotta tell you, Dakota, I don't get it. Man, what did Becky ever do to get killed? What did any of us ever do? It just ain't right."

"Nope," he said. "It ain't right, that's for sure."

For only the second time since she died I burst into tears. My chest heaved, and snot ran from my nose in ropes. "It's just not fair," I said. "Where's God, Dakota? Where is He?"

"Louie," he said, "I ain't educated much; but I listen pretty good and I see pretty good, and one thing I'm sure of is that if there's a God, that ain't His job. He ain't up there to load the dice one way or the other." He paused, thinking, and his voice went soft. "Boy, if you come through this, you'll be a man. There's one thing that separates a man from a boy the way I see it, and it ain't age. It's seein' how life works so you don't get surprised all the time and kicked in the butt. It's knowin' the rules."

"The rules," I said. "How can you know the damn rules? They keep changing."

"Naw, they don't." he said. "It's just that you have to learn the new ones as you go. That's the hard part. Learnin' the new rules when they show theirselves. You go blamin' God, you get no place. You got to understand that the reason some things happen is just because they happen. That ain't a good reason, but that's it. You put enough cars and trucks and motorcycles on the road, and some of 'em gonna run into each other. Not certain ones neither. Just the ones that do. This life ain't partial, boy."

sunday night we had a quickly arranged word-of-mouth prayer service in the school chapel... nobody's ever seen such a crowd in that room... people just needed to be there... testimony to how much this kid was loved... and how much it hurts that he's gone... so soon...

i guess any death is a lesson for the living... love this life... love the people with you... here and now... let's work on that...

In deep sadness there is no place for sentimentality.

William Burroughs

 

talk to me

brtom.org