July 7, 1999

I spent the morning scanning an essay I've written on William James and Religious Certainty - not the kind of material that's going to have folks knocking down the doors of my Closet, but I enjoyed thinking about this again and arguing with myself as I proofed it.

This makes me wonder where my spiritual self has been for so long. It is very difficult to attend to this inner business, but we've all got to - or pay a terrible price (each in our own way). This community has morning prayer and mass every day, but I've only made it on Sunday so far. I have my excuses, but they're not so good. I resolve to do better. Some cynics might say, "Why bother; this is all just external performance. It's what's inside that counts." Guess I've been around long enough to know how foolish it is to draw those absolute lines between inner and outter stuff.

One kernel of wisdom that's buried within the Catholic requirement to attend Mass on Sunday is the hope that we will stop moving long enough to look inside toward those deeper parts where God might be lurking. (Yes, I think God lurks.) Now, of course, for many (especially teenagers in full-bloom rebellion) Mass on Sunday is just something somebody else wants you to do - imposed from without. We go wrong, lose perspective by sticking everything in separate slots: religion-life, business-life, school-life, family-life, thinking-life, feeling-life - each parked carefully in its own numbered space.

Speaking of which, Jay's car died just before dinner so I went out to fetch him at the Shell on 21 near 45. (I'm learning the major routes and am way too proud of it.) Then I threw myself around the track while another baseball game was going on. One kid made a spectacular catch out in right field - he just flew to it and there it was. Now try to tell me that this has nothing to do with the life of the spirit. I'm just not buying it.

The Great Bookshelf Crisis continues...but... nevermind I don't want to talk about it. If I could snap my fingers and have everything in my room just the way I'd like it right now, I'm not sure I'd do it. I'd worry that the loss of this transitional chaos would interfere with my evolution towards whoever I'm becoming next. Without the chaos, I'd fear horrible mutations.

So it's all necessary. Yet, at the same time, I will not deprive myself of the pleasures of whining - this is my compulsion it seems.